Feb 6, 2013

Happy and Sad

The past 2 Weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion. Elation & deep sadness have filled my heart. I've shed tears of joy and tears of grief and tears somewhere in between. 2 weeks ago our sweet little Violet was born (a blog soon to come!). My heart has somehow become bigger & made space for this beautiful, little person. I wondered how I could love my second child as I did the first. But now, when I hold both of my girls in my arms, I realize it could be no other way.  It's amazing how much you can truly love, not just one person, but two; unconditionally & with every fiber of my being.

A couple days after we brought Violet home, I had a cry fest. I picked up Lilly from her bed and suddenly realized she is no longer my baby girl. She seemed like a giant in my arms when a mere 2 days prior, she still seemed itty bitty. Tears poured down my face and my not so itty bitty girl held onto me tight as we shared a moment. Perhaps she felt the same way? This wasn't a reaction I had ever expected. She'll always have a special place in my heart. A spot that's reserved just for her. I've been trying my hardest these past 2 Weeks to juggle time between nursing & snuggling Violet and playing/reading/singing/snuggling with Lilly. She's been great with her baby sis so far. I just don't want her to think she isn't as important to us anymore just because she is no longer getting 100% of our attention and energy. Because she is still my everything and I love her so, SO much!

A couple days ago I found out a dear friend of mine lost her unborn child, right before her due date. And she still had to deliver her. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I could do nothing but cry all day and night. I've been holding the girls extra tight. I can't imagine what she's going through right now & how she will be strong enough to make it through this tough time. But it saddens me to the bone. It hurts when I think about 2 short Weeks ago what it would have been like to go home without Violet. I'm grateful not to know what personal anguish she is going through. But my heart & thoughts have been with her constantly. My biggest fear is losing my children. Before I had kids, I did some stupid (but fun!) shit & lived freely without thinking too much of consequences. Now, it's no longer all about me and I would do anything to protect my babies. And i'm thankful that my babies are here for me to protect.

1 comment:

  1. It makes my heart smile to see what an amazing mom you are! I am so proud of you and how you handle those girls! Lilly will never feel unimportant! You and Jeff have created such s strong bond with her; she has always felt fulfillment; she has never had to yearn for love or affection or attention...She is growing and her needs will change, but that does not diminish the ground work that you have already laid. She will love Violet just as you do, and she will want you to care for her baby sister. Lilly is so amazing...she could never be any less of your heart, and she will NEVER feel that way! If she needs a little more attention or snuggling, she will let you know!

    My heart breaks for your friend, and I too can't imagine what she must be going through, but you need to stop trying to put yourself in her shoes! You were blessed with a gorgeous healthy baby girl...stop imagining "what if". Your friend is going through something so profound. It's not just the loss of the little baby girl, but she will be mourning the life she had planned...the smiles she couldn't wait to see, the giggles that her ears were yearning to hear...she is mourning more than the warm body. It's going to be a long process for her, but all you can do is support her. Let her know you are there, that she is not alone in her mourning. :)

    ReplyDelete

just say it already