Apr 20, 2010

Oh Crap!

When nature calls, I normally have no problem answering. Even when I have to use a public restroom. I'm not one to play the game of being coy and pretending I don't shit.  Yes, I am a woman.  No, I do not magically digest my food in some super-human way where it dissipates from my body without gracing the depths of my bowels.  Anyone who can really do this please let me in on your secret because not having to go to the bathroom would be really sweet!

I know some people that can barely go pee, let alone drop a deuce, in a public bathroom unless it's spic and span.  I, on the other hand have no qualms whatsoever with going pee--whether it be a toilet, clean or dirty, or outside.  I'm not some freak that enjoys people watching me, but if I have to go, I HAVE TO GO! I'll take the slight chance of splashing a little on my foot as I'm popping a squat as opposed to holding it in agonizing pain until a suitable porcelain feature can catch my flow. 

Going No. 2 though is a different story.  Happily, I've never had to do THE Do outdoors.  To my recollection.  If I have, I've erased that from my memory bank. I tend to have a sick & twisted sense of humor at times and rarely get offended.  However, I don't do shit jokes.  It's not funny to me, I don't want to see anyone going, I don't want to smell it and I really don't want to hear it!  Peeing--I don't care if a friend is in the bathroom with me or if the door is open.  Shitting--I don't want anyone within a 5 foot radius of the door.  And if there's no fan to block out noise? I slightly panic.  I've been known to turn on the faucet to drown out possible sounds.  Not like anyone is sitting outside with their ears pressed to the door to listen to me drop the kids off at the pool.  But you never know;)  So, you can imagine how I felt when I was at school and had to go.  "Hmmm...it's during class so there shouldn't be a bunch of people in there, I can go real quick and be on my way" was what the voice inside my head said.  So being true to myself and going because I have to, even though I may not want to, I headed for the stalls in hopes that I'd have a few minutes of alone time.  WRONG! I swear I must have picked the busiest damn bathroom on campus.  These broads were coming in and out so often I was beginning to think I may be holding up some line that had recently formed.  Then one girl came in.  Then silence.  It was just her and I, sitting there, waiting for a toilet to flush or someone to cough or a couple people to come in and talk & create a diversion.  Silence.  "Fuck! I just want to get this over with already.  Why is there no music in the bathroom? What kind of place is this?" So I do what any normal woman would do--I flush and go as it's flushing.  I'm sure it's blatantly obvious I'm droppin' bombs when I'm constantly flushing, BUT. I. DON'T. CARE! Relieved that I was finally relieved, I was washing my hands and said woman came out of her stall, smiled and commented on my shoes.  At least she had a focal point to take her mind off the awkwardness.

No comments:

Post a Comment

just say it already